Twelve Turs of Hercubeagles
Driven mad by the powerful god Hera who lived on mount Olymbeagla, Hercubeagles in a fit of rage ate three whole packages of ham and urinated on the nice rug. To expatiate this crime Hercubeagles was required to carry out ten labors set by his archenemy, Eurystheus, who had become king after Hercubeagles had been dethroned. If he completed these tasks he would be purified of his sins and, according to some, gain immortality OR an unlimited supply of hot dogs. Although originally ten labors, King Eurystheus declared that two tasks were voided because Hercubeagles either received some form of payment or had assistance from his nephew, Hekubeag Slay the Nemean Sock The Nemean Sock was a vicious and unruly piece of clothing which lived at Nemea. It could not be torn apart using normal weapons because its thick cotton-poly blend was strongly woven and had never been washed with fabric softener. The Sock lived in a cave near Nemea and captured nearby village lint, reducing local lint production to near-subsistence levels. Hercubeagles managed to wrestle it to the ground, pin it with his paws, chew on it a bit, then tie it in a knot, preventing it from ever capturing lint again. Some versions claim that the sock agreed to a truce with Hercubeagles to leave the village alone after Hercubeagles found and reunited the Sock with its long lost twin. Slay the Nine-Headed Learnean Hotdog The Learnean Hotdog was a nine-headed sausage-monster which dwelt in a Lake near Learnea. In Hercubeagles first encounter with the hotdog Hercubeagles tried simply to bite off in rapid succession each of the Learnean hotdogs heads. However, in pure magical sausage fashion, in the place of each severed head two more hot dogs grew to replace it. Hercubeagles quickly exhausted himself eating hundreds if not thousands of hotdogs before retiring for a nap.Hekubeag, Hercubeagles nephew, came upon the idea of cauterizing each of the severed heads with a lit grillboks. This proved successful, and Hercubeagles returned home with a very full stomach as well as several thousand pounds of sausage wrapped carefully in his giant ears. Capture the Red Laser Pointer of Artemis Eurystheus and Hera were greatly angered to find that Hercubeagles had managed to escape from both the Nemean Sock and the Learnean Hotdog, and so devised a task that should be in essence impossible - capture the laser pointer of Artemis. The laser pointer of Artemis was a mythical beast powered by two small 3 volt DC batteries and produced a red dot projected on any surface. After beginning his search, Hercubeagles awoke one day and saw the dot in the distance. For one entire year Hercubeagles chased the red dot all over Greece, Thrace, Ithaca, and the living room, frequently sliding into shit and going real nuts that it remained elusive. Eventually, Hercubeagles met Artemis and concluded a truce that Hercubeagles would bring the Red Laser pointer to King Eurystheus in exchange for three hours worth of ear-petting. Capture the Erythmanian Boar Before setting off on this quest Hercubeagles paid a visit to an old friend, Chiron the king of Beaglataurs, in his cave (Beaglataurs made some bad investments back in the 90s and lost most of their wealth, thus the humble abode). Hercubeagles shared with Chiron his supply of Learnean hotdog meat, but the scent attracted other Beaglataurs from nearby parts and they stood on their hind hooves, paws outstretched, tounge panting. Not wanting to share, Hercubeagles flopped his large ears at the Beaglataurs, producing a powerful gust that blew up their noses and made them bite the air in frustration. Chrion interceded in the dispute, telling his Beaglataurs that this Learnean hotdog meat was not for Beaglataurs, and also chastising Hercubeagles with a firm smack on the hind leg. Later, Chiron told Hercubeagles to drive the Erythmanian Boar into thick snow where it would become trapped. Hercubeagles, a natural at spretting, accomplished this task easily and returned to King Eurystheus with the captured boar. Clean the Augean Park The Augean park was a large flat and grassy meadow where over 1,000 cattle of Beaglesheeps resided, belonging to King Augeas. The Beaglesheeps were both immortal and divinely healthy, meaning they produced enormous quantities of poop. Hercubeagles task was to bag all these individual poops and deposit them in garbage cans in a single day, a clearly impossible task as no poops had been picked up since last Tuesday at the earliest. Hercubeagles found a way around this difficulty by moving the beaglesheeps and rolling underneath their feet a new layer of grass, smoothing it out with his ears. King Augeas, irate at this, refused to pay Hercubeagles his fee and was bitten on the leg as a result. King Eurystheus discounted this task because Hercubeagles had not actually cleaned up the poop but just covered it with new grass. Bark at the Stymphalian Cats The stymphalian cats were a group of feline animals which resides in a swamp near Stymphalia, who had bronze fangs and wavy tails that looked like pipe cleaners. Hercubeagles attempted to get near them but the swamp was too wet and sticky for spretting. Instead, Hercubeagles stretched out his ears and used them to increase his surface area to mass ratio, decreasing the bealograms per square centimeter. As Hercubeagles drew closer he began a series of powerful barks, but the Stymphalian cats just stared back in the relative comfort of those who know their enemies cannot traverse the gulf between. When they realized Hercubeagles drew ever closer across the swampy waters, they all fled, but being lazy had underdeveloped cardiovascular systems. Most were caught and strangled by Hercubeagles, though some escaped and later encountered the Beaglonauts. Devour the Cretan Pate Barking a merry tune after having completed so many feats successfully, Hercubeagles was then sent to capture and devour the Cretan Pate, a dish of pate so large and which had grown so fast it now occupied over half the island of Crete. Upon his arrival King Minos offered Hercubeagles some assistance, but Hercubeagles turned his snout up in pride and refused. As Hercubeagles walked around the giant Pate he surmised its size and speed of growth, and at once struck upon a plan. Using his giant and malleable ears Hercubeagles began flopping all over the pate, compressing it ever smaller and uncovering numerous sleeping Beaglapples, which had been covered the pate. With a barking call to arms Hercubeagles and the numerous Beaglapples set upon the pate with gusto and devoured it within hours. The Beaglapples, in gratitude to Hercubeagles Sniff out the Snacks of Diomedes The Snacks of Diomedes were four powerfully scented but invisible snacks created by Hephaestus beneath Mount Vesuvius as a gift for Athena, goddess of war and hunting, in her 20 year campaign assisting King Agamemnon and the Achaen leage against the Trojans. Used several times in battle to bait and then surround legions of Bealanx soldiers, the treats were soon lost after the war due to their invisibility. Hercubeagles set off to Diomedes kingdom where it was rumored the snacks could be sniffed on a calm spring evening. Sniffing all about for several months, Hercubeagles enlisted a small army of Beaglet youth to assist him in this endeavor. Finally, using tail-wag triangulation methods, Hercubeagles and the Beaglet youth located the area in which the snacks must lie. Kind Diomedes approached the group in a fury, demanding Hercubeagles to be executed at once. In response to this, Hercubeagles stabbed Diomedes and spread his blood over the area which contained the snacks, revealing their location Capture the Leash of Hippolyta Hippolyta was an Amazonian warrior-queen who possessed a magic leash, which signified her authority as queen of the amazons and gave her magically rare self-walking abilities. Hercubeagles, his fame and renown having spread far in advance of his arrival, charmed Hippolyta and she gladly surrendered the leash to such a famous hero. However, spies of King Eurystheus spread rumors among the Amazonian warriors that Hercubeagles would try to abduct and marry Hippolyta. In a fury, the Amazonian warriors attacked Hercubeagles and his crew, but Hercubeagles was able to calm them down by swatting at their snouts with his powerful yet silky soft ears. Steal the Beaglsheeps of Geyron Geyron was a monstrous figure, reputed to have had three heads and one body but only 3 ears to flop, rendering him irate and partially insane. Geyron lived in the distant land of Erytheia, potentially modern day Eritrea. To travel to Erythrea Hercubeagles had to cross the Libyan desert. When he arrived, he was confronted by a double-snouted beagle named Orthrus and his human watchdog Eyrition. With two powerful flaps of his ears Hercubeagles disposed of these two. This noise awoke Geyron, who came to battle with three swords, three helmets, and three shields. Hercubeagles, having studied the then-form of utilitarian economics, placed three pieces of Learnen hotdog sausage at three equally spaced distances from the three heads of Geyron. Trapped in a nightmare of static equilibria between rational choices, Geyron starved to death. Hercubeagles was then able to corral the beaglesheeps back to King Eurystheus. Retrieve the Beaglapples of Hesperides The Garden of Hesperides is Hera’s Orchard in the west, where a single tree grows immortality-giving golden beaglapples. The Hesperides were given the task of tending the tree, but occasionally ate the apples themselves. On his way to the Garden Hercubeagles met Antaeus, who was invincible so long as his ears were inside out. Hercubeagles flipped the ears right way again and Antaeus spretted off in fear and shame. Mortal beaglia were forbidden to enter the garden by powerful magic that even Hercubeagles could not overcome. In order to penetrate the garden, Hercubeagles tricked Atlas ( who was immortal) into retrieving the apples by offering to hold up the heavens with his snout. When Atlas returned, he claimed he was glad to be free of his burden, and demanded Hercubeagles take over his job. Hercubeagles, being a wise and cunning Beagle, agreed, on the condition that he could re-adjust his collar first. Atlas sensed a ruse, but Hercubeagles had a trick up his sleeve, and barking a series of trained commands the beaglapples unfolded their apple-flaps, revealing the miniature beagles within, which set upon Atlas's ankles biting and nipping. Atlas, in frustration and anger, agreed to take back the heavans. Capture the Triple-Eared Cerberus Cerberus was the guardian of the underworld, where all underwear and socks were kept. Cerberus had three sets of ears, 6 in all, to ward off those who would try to steal back socks deposited in the underworld by laundry-drier wormholes. Able to create hurricane force winds and sonic booms, Cerberus was a powerful beast that none could surpass. Hercubeagles had to first gain entrance to the underworld to face Cerberus, to do so he initiated himself into the cult of Eleusinian Mysteries, in doing so re-firming his previously broken friendship with the Beaglataurs. Once in the underworld, Hercubeagles approached Hades, capital B boss dog of the underworld, and asked for a duel with Cerberus. After a long struggle, and a titanic clash of ear flops that almost shook asunder the very roots of the Earth (see critical over-flop ), Hercubeagles secured Cerberus and brought it to King Eurystheus.